Friday

Nutter - A Film About Depression



Not mine but hers... similar in thoughts.

A day in the life of me and my depression. Not as bleak as you might think, and more informative than you would expect. This film focuses on the stigma attached to depression. (28.32)

posted by winkris at 14.7.06 0 comments

Thursday

Before I SWEAR...

I managed to locate the blog i wrote on Friendster. I had deleted it previously, ashamed that people would read it and make judgements. But now i just think, this is my way of dealing with it all and just MAYBE, you'll have an idea what it was like living in my world.

A painful chapter that brings me to tears each time... So if you don't want to read about my past, i suggest that you move on to the next blog or carry on to my daily issues at I SWEAR...

posted by winkris at 13.7.06 0 comments

2005 and more

AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Rave Day
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 04/08/2005 01:48:27 AM
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So the time is 4.31pm on a friday avo and already i'm stessed as all hell... i wonder why that happens?! 60 minutes ago i was laughing away at some pointless conversation i had with some random person. 30 minutes ago i could feel my stress levels rising and my voice was getting louder and louder. 10 minutes ago i had to run out of the office to get a pack of smokes and attempt to chill... 1 minute ago i took a sip of my diet coke and now i'm listening to B.E.P Where is the Love in the background... *inhale* ... *exhale*... There was and still is so much negative energy stirring around my desk, i seriously think that the feng shui is bad *looks at all the crap that has been piled up on her desk* ... hmmm.

I've been at a shoot practically all week and my one day back... it already feels like i've been in the office for ages. I don't think i need a holiday although holidays are always good to de-stress. But wouldn't that mean i'd be on a permanent holiday? Constantly battling my frustrations be it at work, personal life and silly mind fucks. Life is so strange. If i don't have work i'm bored shitless and need to stimulate my brain. Then other times i can't handle the work load and i can feel every muscle in body tense up. But then there are moments where Life is treating me right and nothing can invade my bubble.

Oh i need something constructive to do... *puts on her headphones and listens to Maroon 5* ... *breathe* ... *think happy thoughts*

Maybe it's time to get back to work... *browses her iTunes...* Ahhh Scott Alert... *cranks up the volume* :)
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: I need more time...
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 04/11/2005 09:38:32 AM
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According to my clock on my pewter... it's officially 12.32am on a Tuesday morning and i'm STILL at work... let's see... that'll be nearly 15 hours now at work...

Still have a bit to do but my contacts are starting to seal itself against my eye balls! That can't be healthy... my skin feels nasty and i sooooOooo need to remove my gaze off this radiation. I've got a meeting in aproximately 8 and a half hours and i have to look all bright eyed and bushy tailed... YEAH RIGHT... i'll rawk up groggy, annoyed cause i realise that my verbal promise that i'd actual dress up and not wear slippers to my meeting will irritate me and push me closer to being late for my meeting.

Hey i'm 'creative' i'm allowed to wear whatever i like... but i have a feeling that tomorrow or shall i say, later... will involve a lot of lip biting and hoping that we don't get yelled at too much by our clients or rather me trying to keep my cool...

*breathe* count to 10... think happy bloody thoughts.

...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8... 9...
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: FUCK THIS!
STATUS: Publish
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DATE: 04/13/2005 10:28:48 AM
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So here it is... it's been an exhausting couple of days and it's *1.25am on a Thursday... and GUESS WHERE i'm at... @ work. Since Monday i've slept about 8 hours and i am exhausted. Monday i was at work till 3am... by 8.30am i had to attend a meeting with the client. Then stayed till 12am and got into the office by 9.30am.

It's been a fucked up day and no amount of exclamations nor CAPS can even begin how frustrated i am with my job. *

Anyway, it is humanly impossible for a person to function with lack of sleep and to be able to perform 100% day in and day out... to work 15 hours day and to not even hear encouraging words that "yes you are doing a good job"... *

So many many more things... but that's it... i can't take it. My parents did not invest 100's of thousands of dollars to get me a fantastic degree as a graphic designer to be treated with such little respect and to assume that 'miracles' can happen. The company's new tagline is 'practical magic' yet the only magic i once saw in myself is slowly disappearing and has left me feeling empty and weak.

Just as plants need water to survive... designers need inspiration to grow... to continue to produce amazing work. As a big corporation it seems like all it is is about money... something not so new but so many many things piss me off about the situation that i'm in.

If i should pass out tomorrow, all i would get would be a Get Well card and should i die (god forbid)... my position at this company will be replaced by some donkey (as my dad likes to put it). BUT i would be very VERY surprised if they find someone that will put their heart and soul in their work... and do it for the love of DESIGN.

*EDITED because just as the walls here have ears... who KNOWS who might read this...
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AUTHOR: Sudheesh
EMAIL: sudheesh_s@yahoo.com
IP: 219.95.60.166
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=493982
DATE: 04/28/2005 03:54:06 AM
wat do u work as? sounds bad! this oldnewbieraver from clept!


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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Christina
EMAIL: winkris@yahoo.com
IP: 202.75.182.124
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=8024463
DATE: 04/29/2005 03:59:56 AM
Hey oldnewbrieraver :) Well if you can't get into my friendster profile... then it states that i'm a Graphic Designer... OH life can be so simple... but it is not... *sigh*
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Since you've been gone...
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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ALLOW PINGS: 0

DATE: 04/18/2005 05:39:19 AM
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So here i am... i've survived last week and i'm sitting at my desk at work @ 8.21pm. Waiting for the rain to pass (unless of course it's gone and haven't realised). The boys are dragging me out so they can have their dose of shisha (sp?) and a chance for me to vent out my anger/emotions.

Or not.

I'm listening to iTunes - Kelly Clarkson's Since You've Been Gone... and i can now say that my personal life has improved... the little LIFE that i have outside the office... i made the most of it and danced my little heart out... this time, i made that effort. Shufflin' away my anger and temporarily releasing any built up tension.

No longer does my heart feel like it was being trampled by a dozen elephants and eaten by a hundred ants... i can say that my past relationship with my true love is no longer eating me alive... but then again it was 8 years or was it 7 or 9? I lost count.

I feel empty... there are no emotions left. I am beyond hurt and feeling like i was not appreciated.

BUT it has now been replaced by the stress of my job. A job that i once had faith in... something i worked so hard to make work... is turning out to affect my health... my sanity.

... *breathe* ... *think happy thoughts*
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: When is it my turn?
STATUS: Publish
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DATE: 04/19/2005 06:59:55 AM
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It's 9.49pm and yes i am still at work. My brain has decided to switch off momentarily and for some reason i can't get it up and running.

I went to 'his' friendster page, it's been awhile... WHY... i have no fuckin' clue! I did so well by ignoring and to the extent of closing my eyes when i'd approach his image. But as i browsed through his friends... YES it is for public viewing... i stopped at 'her' image. I noticed she changed her picture. WHY DO I GIVE A SHIT... *shrugs* ... i don't. YES my curiosity led me to clicking on 'her' name. Quickly skimming over 'her' images i would only think that it wouldn't affect me as much.

But then... i see a picture of 'them'... probably on their way to their little sex getaway. He looks happy... and i think she does too... *my heart skips a little beat* and i quickly shut down the window.

Isn't it my turn to be happy now? WHY me? What did i do to deserve this? Is this fate telling me something i don't know? IF it's not my love life failing, then it's my career... if it's not my career then... what?
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AUTHOR: 'Lipgloss
EMAIL: eennuii@hotmail.com
IP: 220.255.66.21
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=2365549
DATE: 04/19/2005 08:03:08 AM
*Hugs*
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Christina
EMAIL: winkris@yahoo.com
IP: 202.75.182.124
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=8024463
DATE: 04/20/2005 06:37:09 AM
Thank you sweetheart :) *hugs* backatchya babe.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Burst my negative bubble... PLEASE!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
CONVERT BREAKS: __default__
ALLOW PINGS: 0
CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 04/20/2005 06:34:44 AM
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The time is 9.27pm and thank god it's Wednesday. Tomorrow is a public holiday and i'm taking leave on friday... *sigh* i've never looked forward to a long weekend as much as i feel right now. It's been fuckin' long ass month... and i am SOOOO over April.

Will be heading to Groove Syndicate for a birthday party... "party party come party"... YAY... *pops open the confetti and champagne* ... oh hang on, that's for weddings innit? Well maybe not champagne but at least some alcamahol... mmmmm erase my pain temporarily.

Then i'm off to see my folks this weekend... i'm so excited! GOOD FOOD, NEW HOME, A KOI POND and TLC. Just what i need... r e l a x a t i o n. Too much shit stirring in my head and in my life... i need to runaway... i need to get away and absorb some positive karma.

I intend to leave within the hour... once i get my High Res CDs... imma outta 'ere! BYE BYE negativity...
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Hello neighbor!
STATUS: Publish
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DATE: 04/22/2005 09:49:49 AM
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So here i am... in the land of clinical cleanliness aka Singapore. it's 12.33am on a Saturday morning. I've managed to not do too much... i'm on leave and been chillin' at my parents' place. Had really nice chats with them about anything and everything. Then went to Chef Chan's for dinner... YUM!!! I ate waaaay too much!



Life is so quiet around here... i've said hello to 3 of my folks' neighbors, patted 2 dogs and a cat. Funny cause my parents have been here for a few weeks and they rarely see anyone.



But it's all good. My brain is functioning and my thoughts are calm. I dread going back cause that just means i have to tidy up and mop the floors. Damn air-con man made a complete mess and there's dust everywhere. BUT at least my air-con won't be leaking cause i got a new spankin' air-con and compressor... yes it's almost silent... as opposed to it sounding like a dryer on full speed. It was actually quite embarrassing. YAY for my landlord!



Right now, the boys are rawkin' it hard down at @mosphere and probably grabbing those RM5 happy hour shots... i want one... or two... or three. I so wish i was there... i'm sure they're having a fantabulous time but oh well, maybe i should just sleep. I'm already getting a bit restless... OMG i've only been away for a day and a half and already i feel like i need to be doin' something. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Well i'm catching up with an ex colleague tomorrow so that should be entertaining.



Plus i'm going shopping for a new cap.


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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Cheers!
STATUS: Publish
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DATE: 04/23/2005 06:59:56 AM
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It's 9.47pm and i've had such a lovely day. Woke up around noon and nibbled on a pancake that my dad made... then took the bus to the city to catch up with an ex-colleague, Alvin. There was a bit of confusion on where the bus stop was so i got off a few stops too soon and ended up walking a couple of blocks... no worries there cause i was sort of feelin' a bit car/bus sick! DAMN bus driver needs to lay off that break.



Eventually i met up with Alvin and it was so good to see him. He lost so much weight and is lookin' all skinny ninny with his step aerobic classes... LOL. Then trotted along to where HMV was and my hunt for a cap began. Managed to get sidetracked and got a t-shirt... the slogan says "DOOR BITCH, kiss my hand"... it fuckin' rawks! I HAD TO BUY IT. Then went into some random shop, can't remember what it was called and bought a cap with a local branding "Flesh Imp", wtf does that mean... oh well... it fit and it didn't have that pointy bit that most trucker caps have... the ones that look like there's a little horn at the front! WTF?! ... Exactly!



Then had a quick coffee and we made our way down to the bus stop... said our farewells. Then i was having dinner with my folks, my aunt and cousins... and realised, that i wasn't sure what stop to get off! Each road looked more similar than the one before and i swear i thought was going to be stuck on that bus forever. Thank god my dad was waiting for me at the stop cause the seafood restaurant was just there... so i hopped off quickly... and the feast began.



YUM! Ate so much, didn't have big eyes but still managed to fill my stomach.



Now i'm chillin' back while the rest of the family is playing Black Jack or poker downstairs and i'm sippin' champagne... no, champagne is not a regular affair but we were celebrating my cousin's birthday and my cousin and aunts' pre-birthday on the 28th April.



Mmmmmm champers... tastes so good.


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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Thank you Xanax!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 04/24/2005 11:16:23 PM
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Well it's 1.48pm and i just got back from Gleneagles hospital. Had my thyroid check up and my body is responding very well to the high dosage of meds. 3 months ago i was diagnosed with Hyper-thyroidism. Basically that gland that's at the front of your throat well that controls your hormones and basically that little thing was producing too much... this is measured by ones T3 and T4 levels. But before i was diagnosed, there were so many signs... and it was seriously freaky.

~ Serious shakes/tremours
~ Major irritability
~ Heat intolerance WHY IS IT SO FUCKIN' HOT?!!
(When clearly everyone was rugged up and turning blue from the icey air)
~ No weight gain even though i was constantly eating.
~ Constantly tired and sluggish.
~ My heart rate was going 120 beats/min.
~ Numerous patches of hair loss

SO today i checked my results and they're in the normal range! YAY... so they've brought my meds down to 4 pills a day as opposed to 6 previously and before that i was on 8. So in a span of 3 months i've halved my dosage. WELL DONE CHRISSIE!

BUT i told my specialist that i'm REALLY stressed at work and i hope that my major irritation and sudden outbursts are not due to my condition... so she put me on 0.5mg of XANAX twice a day or whenever needed! I was on Xanax last year and that totally made me loopy on 0.25mg. So i figured, i'd just stick to 0.25mg and now i'm feeling quite good. Just now there was a moment where i could see myself workin' up over something but it was soon followed with a calm voice. Although i feel slightly sleepy now... a tad sluggish "DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY," i'm really looking forward to going home and sleeping under my new air-con.

Mmmmmm beddy bed time.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: "Floating above your head..."
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 04/25/2005 01:06:09 AM
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It's 3.50pm... and i figured that the feeling of calmness was slowly wearing thin... so i decided to take the other Xanax 0.25mg about half an hour ago... it was sitting OH so very quietly in the open blister pack. THE PRESCRIPTION is for 0.5mg twice a day... so there.

NOW i'm feeling just fine. Light as a feather... and yes i could sleep on a board... hehe. I listen to the beats of Maroon 5 and i can't help but move. I'm sinking in my chair and my headphones are securely snuggled up to my ears.

What is it: Xanax® (ZAN-ax)
Generic Name: Alprazolam (al-PRAZ-oh-lam)
Drug Class: Antianxiety Agent

• Xanax is in a class of drugs called benzodiazepines. Xanax affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause anxiety.

• Xanax is used to relieve anxiety, nervousness, and tension associated with anxiety disorders. Xanax is also used to treat panic disorders and some depressive symptoms.

OH and i thought was quite amusing was this one comment:
• Do not give Xanax to anyone else, even if their symptoms seem similar to yours. That's right kiddies, don't share other peoples' meds.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Tra la la la LAH...
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 04/27/2005 05:31:24 AM
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It's 8.25pm and oh how the day has just flown by... i've ACTUALLY been quite productive today and have barely left my seat... well apart from the numerous ciggy breaks that i've had, i've been sitting here for ages and although it doesn't feel like i've done HEAPS of work, i can say that i am progressing on the logo that i am working on... WELL DONE CHRISSIE! Maybe it was because i was not disturbed and i could sit quietly with my headphones. Maybe it was because for the first time in a very long time, i felt B O R E D.

Hmmm... Well whatever it was, thank god today is over. Best of all i didn't have to take any Xanax... :) WELL DONE AGAIN CHRISSIE!

I am so lookin' forward to the weekend. Yes it's only Wednesday and tomorrow is Thursday... YAY! Next thing ya know, it'll be the weekend... i can't wait! @mosphere here we come... and OMG next week is the first Qualifying rounds for the Shuffle competition. I am actually really nervous.

*breathe* ... *think happy thoughts* ... tra la la la LAH!

My back hurts... i've been sitting down for waaaaay too long
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AUTHOR: 'Lipgloss
EMAIL: eennuii@hotmail.com
IP: 203.126.118.82
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=2365549
DATE: 04/28/2005 08:09:49 PM
Oooo, shuffle competition! Sounds like fun, fun, fun. We never get such stuff here. :(



Well, good luck babe!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: NOW WHAT?!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 04/29/2005 04:11:02 AM
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My day started with munching on some roti canai (free brekkie at office everyday, is a huge plus)... then there was 'THE MEETING' with the bosses to discuss my work load... Long story short... i wasn't happy and voiced out my concerns about the process and current job i'm working on which is absolutely draining and is affecting my health... THEN i was accused of not handing my work in on time... when clearing it has only happened twice maybe three times from what i remember, in a span of 2 years... SO MANY OTHER issues and i'm so tired of it.

So here it is... my little spew about how my day went. It's 7.03pm and about an hour and a half ago i took some Xanax to calm me down... Just before i could feel my heart tightening, my edginess was approaching and BASICALLY i was stressing hardcore. So now everything is slowing down and even my ability to allow my brain to tell my mouth what to say... has eased... i'm feeling sleepy and want to crawl into a little corner and just SIT. Let the world around me pass by while sitting and i simply recollect my thoughts.

NOW i'm trying to burn some images on a CD and KEEPS FUCKIN' UP by the time it's nearly done burning... WTF is going on?! It hates me! WHAT DID I DO NOW?!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: LOVE...
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 05/04/2005 05:05:20 AM
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So here it is... it's 7.27pm on a Wednesday... i can't believe the past 2 days have just disappeared like... *snaps fingers* ... THAT. Monday was a public holiday... thanks to Labour day falling on a Sunday.

Then rawkin' up to work on a Tuesday all refreshed and ready for the 4 day week was indeed pleasant. As i approached my desk i noticed a box and a white rose... *i blinked twice* WHA'S this? How nice... a little bookmark that says "Welcome back from Labour Day"...oh... not quite a secret admirer since everyone in the office got the same thing. But after opening the box, i noticed a white mug with a black interior... one side has company's logo and on the other side is Arc's logo... how sweet. I didn't even notice that my name was printed on it... until MUCH LATER... HOW COOL... my name is on my mug!

The moment of feeling appreciated soon vanished... and i was back to work... not much to report there.

Well today i managed to get quite a few things done and yes FINALLY got my logo option for one of my clients done... THANK GOD that's over and done with. Now i've moved on to working on 2 layouts for a brochure, so far so good and feeling the designery feel coming out... Is designery even a word?! Am i making up shit again... as always... most likely.

But yes... life is ok. I haven't taken any Xanax since my last time i mentioned it... trying my best to keep all of my frustrations and stress levels down... *breathe* But one thing i have realised is that friends are very important. As much as work can be a pain in the ass... there are moments when i just need to relax and have a gooOOOoood chat with someone... that little someone is my dear Mer Mer... it's funny how in just the past few weeks how our friendship has grown... how comfortable i feel... how comfortable WE feel with one another. YES there is love but not THAT KINDA love... although, i don't want to question it... because if anything, i haven't been this happy in such a long time.

Could it be that i feel appreciated as a friend, could it be that i just needed someone to talk to... or could it be much needed attention that i never got and almost forgot how it felt to be wanted/needed by anyone. Hmmm i wonder.

Whatever it is i can't help but smile each time... he makes me laugh and watching him dance/shuffle brings me peace. I listen to the beats and watch him dance and all i can do is feel a sudden rush of calmness... I honestly feel like my Life is changing... NOW and as i mentioned to him... Life has a strange way of bringing people together, friends especially.

Ya know, it's funny how the word LOVE can also be spelt as LUV... but it doesn't feel and sound the same when one reads it. I honestly feel if you LOVE someone, why should you shorten the word? It's only 4 letters and that extra letter means so much more. I think the word LUV is DUMB and if anyone were to write that to me, it would be half hearted and a complete waste of time and space. Does that make sense? And yes, i have seen that word and i don't like it.

BUT if anything i've met some of the greatest people in the last 6 months and although i may miss out on a few names i feel these people have really made a difference... Mer mer, Elise, Hayden, Katie and Lx (5 people with a common interest; that is music and the love of dancing/shuffling to it. These people have helped me get through one of the hardest chapters of my life... 2004. They don't say much but by not by saying that much, it somehow strangely helps me patch up any grief or disappointment i have embedded in me. A point in my life where i felt helpless and desperate to just 'move on'... dear friends that i hold so close to me and cherish them for their existence.

If i could take certain characteristics of friends and mold them into a 'perfect' person... my fairy tale would be close to complete. But i realise, there is no perfect person... just amazing friends and together they make a perfect combination and because of that...

I love you.
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AUTHOR: Elise
EMAIL: elisedc@hotmail.com
IP: 219.93.188.2
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=1997566
DATE: 05/06/2005 02:58:21 AM
I LOVE you too udder!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: H A P P ee Day.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 05/06/2005 03:09:20 AM
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OMG OMFG it's NEARLY the weekend...

I can hear it *perhaps that's someone munching on chips* well whatever it is, i can taste it... it's so close! For some reason, i am so excited. I have NO IDEA WHY! Yes it's just another Friday and just another day in May but tonight is OFFICIALLY the first Qualifying Round for the Shuffle competition... We all have to rawk up there at 9pm for a briefing... get handed our t-shirts and whatever rules and regulations that we all must abide to... but whatever it is, i can feel butterflies forming in my stummy and OMG i am so excited.

I'm happy that the weekend is so close. I'm extremely happy that i'll be seeing my Mer Mer in about 2 hours or so. I am even happier that the next 2 days i don't have to be in the office.

It is official... at 6.04pm today my brain is already making it's way up the hill to get to my apartment. I can't concentrate on anything else. Actually i think it was out the door around 4.32pm... ehehe. LOL.

BEST of all... the 2 layout options i did for the brochure i was doing, the client liked the option that i recommended... and this job was JUST passed on to me. The previous designer had done 4 options and the client didn't like them. THEY LIKED MY DESIGNERY LAYOUT! YAY! Today is good. I'm hoping that tonight will be even better.

*does the happy dance* mmmmhmmmm.

OK now i'm just being dumb... i think i've been drinkin' too much tea today... i think it was spiked... j/k LOL. OH WELL... BOO HOO you lose. BLAH.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: It's ALL so surreal.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 05/08/2005 11:46:51 PM
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Well what can i say it's 2.18pm and i've just finished lunch and got off the phone with my mer-mer. *sigh* i don't want to work now... actually i didn't want to work at all today... *stares at the mess on her table* i SERIOUSLY need to do some spring cleaning.

So the weekend has come and gone... what an amazing weekend it has been though. I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. For those who don't know, well i managed to get myself into the Finals for the Shuffle Competition... WELL DONE CHRISSIE! Yes, i wrote a whole report on the shinnanigins on Clept (http://clept.net/index.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=388) and i can't be bothered to rephrase it... so if ya want, go ahead and read it from there.

4 people managed to move on to the Finals and i'm guessing in the next few weeks there will be more... in total i think there will be at least a dozen of us trying for the Grand prize of 2k, 1st runner up is 1k and 2nd runner up is RM500. Each getting a trophy *wonders what the trophy will look like* hmmmm... GO MER MER... I'll be there for you sweetheart! *does a shimmy* lol.

The competition itself didn't last so long since each contestant only danced for like 3 mins... but it was hard cause i didn't know the track and it was difficult to judge when it was going to change... so it was almost like i was limited to one or two kinds of moves. I had more fun dancing before and after... when Desire came on and the adrenalin of actually competing was still running through my veins.

Then we ended up at Barcode as usual... but only hung out at the mamak and had my usual Limau Ais (lime juice)... then Jon, Armand & i went back to Mer-Mer's place to chill and watched DVDs... *grins* it was a funny night indeed... ehehe... it was chilled and it was so nice to just lie there as we all got comfy on the bed and watched Eurotrip and some other dumbass movie... wtf were we watching... Malibu what??? Then ended up leaving just after 7... and reached home and continued to chat with Mer-Mer til about 9... about anything and everything... yet another great conversation =)

Then Saturday's ordeal was @mosphere again... this time it felt different... didn't know what it was but it just felt different. There were more people than usual but the music was good... and i actually danced, surprisingly since most of the time i'm just chillin', dancin' and then drinkin'. I had so much fun... then ended up accompanying them all to have shisha at Mer's cousin's/friend's place... We ended up staying till just about 7am and chatted to Armand about Graphic Design and listening to all sorts of stuff... fascinating and an interesting night. Different but a good different. Then it was time for us to head home... and was back on the phone with Mer.

Then Sunday was just me sleeping in til about 5pm and thinking about the weekend... and although i wanted to see the world, i couldn't be arsed to get out of the apartment... i watched Oprah and random programs. Then crawled back into bed just before midnight... and had weird dreams...

Dreams consisting of dancing, a DJ console, Mer-Mer dancing beside me... i smiled... he smiled... and then i woke up... it was 1.02am. Where was i? My dream switched to a mass funeral... 5 coffins lined up and attending my uncles' funeral, 4 bodies rising and being viewed by mourners... except for my uncle who passed away in 1992 but in my head it was my god father who passed away in October 2004...

I woke up and my mood was quiet... i don't like dreaming of death and neither do i like dreaming of coffins... Death scares me. Perhaps it could have been cause i saw a car crash the past weekend and a colleague's friend died after being in car crash on her way back from Passion on Friday... so sad... it's so very sad.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: DAMN you VULTURES!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 05/10/2005 03:10:59 AM
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So now it's 6.03pm and my day started relatively ok. Until JUST now...

I had to rush out a job because the client has just decided to give me copy which i've been asking for for the past month or so... and only JUST now they decided to give it me. Then giving me a deadline of making the changes and jpeging them to the client in 2 hours... WTF?! So there i was... again... dropping everything that i was doing before and trying to get my ass into gear so i wouldn't miss the deadline.

OH DEADLINES... something that i apparently don't meet according to some individuals. WHERE IS THE PROOF? Yes i may have missed 1 or 2 but hasn't everyone? But that's not all of it... i'm just annoyed today... upset at the fact that i can't trust anyone here. Accusations of me missing deadlines still haunt me since i last found out a few weeks back. I've clearly met all my deadlines lately... and even the last one... remembering that the deadline was pushed due to another job having more importance... So technically i did not miss it, seeing that the deadline was extended. I just don't understand. Do you?

Someone or some people are just WAITING for me to fuck up... like vultures flustering in the background for their next feed.

Why am i being picked on? What did i do? Is it because i happen to voice out my opinions, my concerns and my frustrations? Probably.

But after all that crap... i got a surprise phone call from an extremely fantabulous, AWESOME friend in Melbourne... *waves hello to Hayden* HELLO SWEETHEART! We chatted about all sorts of stuff... and it seems like this whole Hard Kandy/GLOW thing is getting a little more complicated than we all anticipated... *sigh*
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Simple yet COMPLICATED.
STATUS: Publish
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DATE: 05/12/2005 05:49:57 AM
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8.33pm and i am sooOOOoo totally over today. I'm still in the office waiting for someone to go home or to get their car at the nearby carpark and take little ol' me home... *sigh* I want to eat my pizza in the fridge... mmmmm PIZZZzzzA.

Not much to say except that i think MSWord is D U M B! I mean it seems like 80% of the world knows how to use this stupid program except for me... it's probably so much more simpler than i think it is but it doesn't do really cool or creative stuff like other softwares... DAMNit.

Why is it so simple yet overall it's so gawd damn complicated. Or am i just describing myself? Whatever it is... thank gawd Thursday is nearly over!

Last night i met up with an ol' college mate, Farrah from Kuching... it was good to see her even though we barely chat on the phone. It's like we don't see each other for ages but as soon as we're together we're talkin' all sorts of crap and giggling at silly things... just like college days. Except now, she's married... has a little baby called Adam and is in the midst of planning on building her house with her hubby. Hmmm... things have changed... Next year it'll be 10 years since our college days. MY GAWD!

And what am i planning for myself... well getting through the day and gearing myself up for a most FANTABULOUS WEEKEND... with my friends and my baby mer-mer =) AND i love it!

YES friday is approaching at a faster rate that i expected...On Monday i thought it would be ages til the weekend would be here... i don't even know what happend 4 sleeps ago. Time is flying by waaaay to quickly. I mean we're already nearing the middle of the 5th month of the year... soon half a year would have passed. It's freaky to think that nearly 6 months ago i was preparing for the new year and wishing that all my wishes upon the numerous stars would come true.

I think they have... just not how i imagined.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: 7+
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 05/19/2005 10:59:52 PM
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So it's 1.33pm and majority of the office i'm guessing are out and about having lunch on this fine Friday avo. I'm sitting at my pewter trying to finish off the Corporate Identity Guidelines for KL Convention Centre... and i'm NEARLY done... just trying to get my head around all the collateral that i've done for the past year and a half and seeing if i've missed out on any guide lines...

MY BRAIN hurts... maybe i'm dehydrated *sips some cold jasmin tea* ... mmmm.

Anyway, it's been ages since i actually wrote in this blog... purely cause i had nothing really interesting to say and even if i did, i couldn't be bothered to type it out... plus i was being HEAPS productive this week and focusing on my work.

Ooo ooo... i know one FANTABULOUS thing that happened to me this week, i found out that my Guidebook that i did for the company for a submission was submitted to the GPC.

To keep you informed... The company has this thing, It's called "The 7+ Principle: It's about setting superior standards for ourselves".

"To make sure that the company lives up to this standard, a Global Product Committee (GPC), which is a collection of top creative and brand executives from across the LB network, meets every quarter to evaluate the creative performance of all our offices around the world.

To aid them, the GPC created a simple 1 to 10 rating system against which all work is scored. Aside from the rating, they also provide qualitative input as to how the work might have been improved.

The benchmark set for excellence is 7 and above. Which is why we are obsessed with creating 7+ work".

AND guess what... i got a 7.3... YAY fuckin' yeAH! Which is like AMAZING and really, REALLY EXTREMELY hard to get.

A limited number of these A5 size book were produced (little less than 200 pages) and i managed to get it designed and layed out within a miracle deadline of 2 weeks or some crazy timeline like that. And i don't want to do it ever again... sooOOOoo much STRESS, blood, sweat and tears went into it to make it as good as it could have come out in that short amount of time. Plus not forgetting lack of sleep! IT WAS UTTER HELL i tell ya! HELL on my lil patch of earth.

THANKS so much to David Mitchell and Shalini Gonzaga who were the copy writers and proof-readers! Without whom... it wouldn't have happened.

So i guess with that achievement, there's something else to add to my C.V... thanks.
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AUTHOR: Boon Leong
EMAIL: drbuaya@yahoo.com
IP: 60.48.162.166
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=3874550
DATE: 05/25/2005 07:53:33 AM
You the wo-man! You've always had it in you...
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: ... stop talking.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 05/24/2005 01:24:40 AM
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Have you ever found yourself standing in a crowded room and still feel that you're alone? Have you ever sat down and listened to your inner voice question so many things that are going on in your life? Have you ever wondered what more there is to Life? Have you ever felt empty or like there's something missing but you just can't figure out what or why? Have you ever found yourself lying in bed forcing images and fighting thoughts to exit your mind so you can have a decent sleep?

I have.

It's strange how one moment... any given moment, can effect the way you think, feel and even function. It's nothing that you've heard, it's just a series of things that has lead up to a feeling of not wanting to care and just feeling lost. Just not feeling yourself and simply helpless. To question so many things that are going on in your life and to hear your own voice telling you the answers. Are you going crazy? Is crazy even the right term? When your dreams feel real and that you're fully aware that you are dreaming but are unable to wake up or have any control.

How certain medication can alter ones brains/thoughts and suppress any anxiety temporarily. Why is that people turn to artificial means to find a dose of happiness... when clearly it does nothing but mask the truth. Why? Does this all make sense? What is the point?

Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Like you aren't 'yourself' for a moment. Suddenly the ground feels moist like fresh moss on a Spring morning. Sounds brush past you like a gentle breeze yet you can't understand or comprehend any of it. You sit quietly... waiting. Waiting for the moment to pass so you can move on.

Still waiting... but not sure when it's time to go on. Question is, have you even begun your journey or have you been sitting there whilst your mind takes you somewhere far away.

It's all in my head... my thoughts. I hear my echo. It's so very, very quiet.

... Shhhhh.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: I'm in a quiet mood.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 05/30/2005 08:24:31 AM
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It's 10.49pm on a Monday night and i'm not in the office. I'm on MC for the next couple of days. I haven't been feeling too well lately... more mentally than anything else. What's odd is i have no idea why i feel so down... it's been over a week now, nearly 2 weeks in fact that i've been in this state of helplessness and depression. Could it be a collection of dramatic past events that have secretly gathered together in the corner of my brain... and then when my brain couldn't handle it any more it just burst... and this is a result of it.



... i dunno. I seriously don't know.



So here it is... i'm currently having to take medication to control my anxiety and depression on top of dealing with my thyroid issue... which i might add is slowly stabilising... BUT SERIOUSLY how sad is that? Just as things were going ok... my life was slowly piecing itself together... THEN i get a complete turn around... a complete SMACK IN THE FACE... LIFE is certainly telling me something! WHAT?! What did i do now? Is this a test to see how i will respond, how strong i can be? To test how much more shit can be given to me before i crumble into a million pieces and beg for mercy. WHAT THE FUCK?!



To top it all off... the meds that have been prescribed to me are totally fuckin' with my head! They say it takes 2 weeks for results... i want results NOW. Lately i can't sleep at night so my shrink prescribes me Stilnox to make me enter la la land a lot faster... which it does... and am thankful for... BUT X amount of hours later... i wake up with the worst muthafucken brain squeezing headache! AND on top of that i'm totally smacked up for most of the day. My shrink prescribed me Lorazepam the first night... and i took that AND Stilnox together cause i was severely depressed and needed to shut the world up... so i slept... 16 hours later i woke up and felt worse, like i never slept at all plus an extreme overwhelming feeling of sadness.



Seriously, i want to know what is messing me up? I don't take the meds... i feel like like shit. So i take meds and it still makes me feel like shit. Unless of course it's my AD that's making me all messed up. I dunno. If i don't take the AD there might be side effects too. It's dumb... everything is dumb!



It's awful... and it makes me feel stupid... numb and slow. I wake up feeling scared to face the world. Like i want to crawl into a corner and just sit quietly as Life races by. But what's strange is my brain is registering every single movement that is going on around me with such detail it's quite scary but i'm unable to react to it fast enough. It's so strange... it's so hard to explain and only when night approaches it begins to wear off and i'm slightly more alert... this is when my brain and the rest of my body can communicate and get along.



I've decided to take control. I'm not going to take anything to force me to sleep tonight even if it means i don't get sleep. Which reminds me... i need to take my AD now.


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AUTHOR: laineylashes II
EMAIL: laineylashes@gmail.com
IP: 60.48.223.91
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=12809736
DATE: 06/03/2005 11:09:59 PM
shit..i can't say i don't know what that feels like. your post works as a painful reminder. truth, there’s a part of me that’s been scraped away & off of me. & i know for a fact that it’ll never come back. yet, it’s hard to put my finger on exactly what it is that’s making it all this way. i wish i could help you, i want to..but the most i can do, is to understand..
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: say buh-bye
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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ALLOW PINGS: 0
CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 05/31/2005 10:12:07 PM
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It's 1.03pm on a Wednesday and it hurts to be me. Every single cell in my body feels strange... not quite there. My thoughts are quiet and i'm not sure what is going on around me. I need to get my stuff organised. I need to eat my sandwich.



I leave on the 2.30pm bus to get back to KL. I'm scared to walk outside. I haven't left my parents place since i walked in the house on Sunday. I don't want to go back, i just want to crawl into my bed and let the day fade away...


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AUTHOR: Julian
EMAIL: neuro_d@yahoo.com
IP: 219.95.33.170
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=585420
DATE: 05/31/2005 11:37:28 PM
Hei...how are you doin? you okay over there?
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Slowly but surely.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/09/2005 12:53:50 AM
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So it's 3.25pm and i'm in the office. I haven't had access to the internet and i've been cooped up at home. Thank you to those who have messaged and extended their concern... for those who have prayed and sent their happy vibes... THANK YOU i really do appreciate it. I'm sure many of you are wondering 'what the fuck is going on with this woman'?

Well recently i was diagnosed with depression and with that came an anxiety disorder. I am on medication, as you know (increased to Efexor XR 150mg & occassionally Lorazepam 1mg). And the past 2 weeks have been HELL!!! Been seeing my shrink on a weekly basis so he can keep an eye out on me, get me through it and prescribe me my medication. The side effects have slowly worn off although i do get my tremors once and a while. I'm still constantly warm but my headaches have eased off. I've started eating again. As i lost my appetite the past 3 weeks and have managed to eat some cereal and eggs on toast. I figured, if i don't eat... i'll get even more sick and i can feel myself getting thinner. Although it is a real effort for me to actually eat anything.

My thyroid issue seems to be still there... although i am only seeing my other doctor on the 22nd of June for a check up. We'll see what the results are when i go see my doc.

Today is probably one of the better days that i've had in the past couple of weeks. To explain it further, it had gotten very bad that it took all effort for me to even exit my house. Seeing the day time was painful and all i wanted to do was sleep and hide in my apartment. My tv was my friend and even that took a lot of effort for me to sit still. But once the sun started going down, i found myself being able to do simple things like make myself some tea and even take a shower.

The worst i think was on Monday when i thought things were somewhat ok. I rounded up enough courage to venture out in the open during the day... but as soon as i walked outside i realised... uh oh... i don't feel so safe. I managed to get to the supermarket and soon got an anxiety attack... i was freaking out. Trying to avoid eye contact with everyone that passed and staying clear of anyone that was in my path. I managed to make it to Coffee Bean, where i got a drink and just sat there for what seemed like forever. To calm my nerves and forcing myself to realise that eventually i had to get off my ass and make my way home. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! I quickly smsed my friends Azmer and Elise... just in case something would happen.

Eventually i got home and shut the door. I was safe at last. I sat there as my heart started pounding faster and quickly took half a Lorazepam... soon i was calm and then took the other half so i could go to sleep.

So i went to my doc today and he said that i'm responding well to the medication. He has increased my dosage of Efexor XR 75mg > 150mg. But seeing that i am in the Shuffle competition tomorrow, i'm worried that i may have side effects from the increase, so i said i'll start with the double dosage on Saturday.

He also says i have to start going to the gym. I have to start exercising at least 3 times a week... which in turn will help me bring up my tolerance and keep me healthy. So i guess i have to go check out Fitness First... oh gawd...

I'm taking it quite slow and already i've got some work. But as i told them, i'll see how it goes and that i'll be needing some assistance. I can't say i'm completely cured... yet. As my doc wants me to take another couple of weeks off... but i assured him that i'll take it slow and see how it goes.

But for now... right this very moment... i'm doing a lil better. Tomorrow... may be a whole different story.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: uh OH.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/09/2005 09:57:47 PM
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So now it's 12.50pm and it should be about lunch time. I've managed to be at my desk pretty much all morning. Reason being i'm too tired to get off my ass and do anything else. I have so managed to catch some kind of EVIL SICKNESS... when i cough i sound like a bloody walrus! AND still my appetite is not entirely back... WTF! Can you spell ANOREXIA?!

Seriously though, i can't stop drinking water... i am so thirsty! My throat is messed up too and no i have not had any cigarettes yet. OH NO.... competition is tonight. I MUST I MUST get well. I'm taking cough syrup which usually works and OBVIOUSLY today it's not doing its magic.

DAMNit! I don't want to get sick... although i think i may be. GERMS FUCK OFF. Maybe i should go home early today so i can rest and not sit here in the virus breeding environment.

OH and 2 days ago i went to Tony & Guy... i got my hair cut... REALLY short... shorter than before but still that rough messy look... maybe i'll take a pic and then update my profile... one day.
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AUTHOR: Kz
EMAIL: kayz1e@hotmail.com
IP: 60.49.36.57
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=728757
DATE: 06/10/2005 04:58:11 AM
hei hei..



dont worry.. everything's gonna be alright... good luck for ur finals..



all the best!!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Everything is so surreal...
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 06/14/2005 12:49:20 AM
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It's 3.25pm on a Tuesday avo... and although i barely slept last night... 4 hours maybe. I'm feeling extremely happy. Although slightly dilirius due to the lack of food and sleep... i hope to pass out early tonight and glide smoothly through my subconsious dimension. Perhaps meet a few creatures along the way and dance in the shadows of darkness. I close my eyes and the world closes in on me... slowly. Silence deafens me and fall into a deep sleep... oh the excitement... i can't wait.

Anyway, this sudden rush of new emotion all started on Sunday morning... having come back home after a night out at @mosphere and only managing to sleep 3 hours, i woke up feeling really great! Something was in the air... like a positive aura circulating around me. It was a beautiful day and for the first time in what seems like ages... i felt that odd feeling people often call HAPPINESS. Then it rained...

WHAT IS GOIN' ON? Is my medication finally kickin' in? Could it be a certain somebody invading my consious world and allowing me to feel this positive emotion... perhaps... OH I DON'T KNOW. Seriously, what am i doing?

OH and on friday there was the Finals for the Shuffle Competition... My best friend Mer Mer was the Champion, Eddy another mate of mine came First runner up... and i (the only girl in the Finals) won 2nd Runner up! Although that day i felt like utter crap... it was so painful to dance, my lungs were hurting and my upper body was weak. I felt like passing out as soon as my time was up. But it all worked out in the end. I won a little trophy and received RM500.

Things are really turning around... something or somebody out there... is lookin' out for me. Whoever/whatever/wherever you are... THANK YOU.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: I need MORE water!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 06/15/2005 12:10:54 AM
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So now it's 2.47pm and the sudden rush of happiness i felt early this morning has warn off. I managed to fall asleep for about 2 or 3 hours and then woke up about 2am or so... and found myself wide awake. Then almost instinctively i received an sms from a certain somebody... which then continued on for another hour or so. Which then ended as we both past out...

I then slowly fell back into my subconsious world. It was peaceful... just how i predicted, i lay in the shadows of darkness. He appeared... and then faded away behind a tree. Darkness surrounded me... Its arms wrapped itself around me... it was so soft, like the softest fur you've ever touched. I melted in its arms and hid from the world. It was so comforting... i felt at peace... it was so quiet. I slowly emerged from my dreams and soon found myself lying on my bed and waking before my alarm went off.

Now i'm back in my quiet mood. I'm trying my hardest to keep my concentration on my work but i often find myself getting distracted and have to keep returning and remembering what i was doing before. It's annoying... THAT plus i can't stop drinking water... i'm like forever thirsty! Yes i know water is good... but it's ridiculous. I can barely eat and when i do, i almost feel too full to continue. I try and force a sandwich down my throat before my brain tells myself that i'm full before i'm even half way through.

Water is my new best friend.

I'm sure this obsession with water, insomnia and lack of interest in food are due to the side effects of consuming Efexor XR. But all in all... i'm feeling much better than say a week ago. I can go out in public and my mornings are not as painful to wake up to. I also find myself not feeling any strong emotions like sadness. Even if i try and cry... i can't... it's nearly impossible. It's almost like i've switched off a SAD button temporarily. Hmmmm how odd. I find myself happier when dark time approaches and the night surrounds me... my energy levels go up. For some reason being out in the day light still doesn't sit comfortably with me... but we'll see.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: O Happy pill... you make me happy.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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ALLOW PINGS: 0
CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 06/16/2005 12:48:32 AM
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It's 3.29pm and there's a carnival going on in my head. SERIOUSLY, it's funny. There's a party goin' on in my brain and there's so many things goin' on! Although, i may not look that alive right at this moment... i am fully aware what is tickin'.

I woke this morning feeling really exhausted and quite ill. I think the lack of sleep and food has taken a toll on my body. But managed to make my way to see my shrink and explained to him that i'm still not sleeping... that's the side effects. Apparently i am quite sensitive to the meds. BUT i explained to him everything and one thing he said has stuck in my head... "Ya know what, since you've been on Efexor... you've become so much more mellow".

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I am. That's exactly what it is! That's why i feel so GOOD!

But what sucks now is my concentration and ability to focus on things is really, really difficult. What used to take me a short time to do, seems to take ages! I get distracted by so many things... little scattered thoughts trickling past me as i speak.

And i was smsing Firaz just now... and he was saying it's like i'm tripping legally... AND IT'S TRUE... i am... ehehe. Oh he is my happy pill!

But it's a whole new emotion... i've never felt before... MELLOW... i quite like the sound of that! LOL. Doc says it will help me realise that i am compulsive... i am compulsive when it comes to my work... hmmmm... perhaps... i never knew that.

I was chatting to Mer Mer just now and talkin' all sorts of crap... it took so long for me to tell him that we have a meeting with Bass Agents tomorrow... it was soooo funny. I couldn't sort out my thoughts quick enough.

AND another thing that keeps crackin' me up is this... I live with an Enemy in an Anemone and i eat M & M's. It's so DUMB... it's STUUUUPID! Plus that theme song for Gardenia bread... "GARDEEENIAAAAA... so good, you can even eat it on its' own!" LMFAO!!!
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AUTHOR: Julian
EMAIL: neuro_d@yahoo.com
IP: 219.95.211.253
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=585420
DATE: 06/16/2005 12:52:32 AM
wow... tripping legaly on a happy pill... lucky girl.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Christina
EMAIL: winkris@yahoo.com
IP: 202.75.182.124
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=8024463
DATE: 06/16/2005 01:40:08 AM
'ello Julian! It's great but... it's got serious side effects which sucks big time! But i haven't felt this good in AGES! OH HAPPY DAY!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Can you hear the ocean?
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
CONVERT BREAKS: __default__
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 06/16/2005 07:15:23 PM
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The time is 9.51am... and OH how relaxed i feel right now.

So here it is... i figured the weekend would require me to be attentive and i know my sleeping patterns would not have improved... i think i suffer from insomnia. My doc prescribed Stilnox 10 mg (which is a sleeping pill) and i've only taken it once before with Lorezepam... which knocked me out for 16 hours and if i could, i probably would have slept another 16. I woke up a bit confused since i took it during the day and then woke up the next day... and it was still light outside... i was slightly confused... i lost half a day!

Anyway, decided that i'd have a sandwich and watched a repeat of Friends. By that time i figured i might as well sleep since i didn't have anything better to do and my physical self was exhausted. So without hesitation i popped open the little blister pack and swallowed the smallest little white pill... it took about 15 mins or so for it to take effect. By that i meant that my body was entering a stage of relaxation... it was working. FINALLY... i will get to sleep!

I jumped into bed, wore my PHD hoodie and slowly disappeared into my subconsious self. AND OMG... what amazing dreams i had. I was by the beach, lying down in crystal clear shallow waters, the sun was so strong and the water temperature was just right. I lay on the sandy beach and listened to the ocean... it was beautiful. The sun sparkled over the water and i felt at peace.

Then slowly i emerged from my sleep and i saw him... i smiled. I lay on my bed and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and found myself alone, staring at my clock as it turned to 3.29am. I dive back into my subconsious, wondering where will this journey take me next. I receive an sms and fall back to sleep just before 6am. I wake before my alarm goes off and the sun is already up.

So now, i've taken my Efexor XR and i couldn't feel anymore relaxed perhaps the right word is refreshed... Having not slept that much the past couple of days, really had an effect to my overall self. Best of all it's Friday and i am so excited to go and play with my friends tonight!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Touch me.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/16/2005 11:46:12 PM
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This will be my second entry for today. It's 2.22pm and i have managed to sit at my desk all day. With the exception of managing to fill up my glass and 500 ml water bottle every bloody hour and with that have matched it with visiting the loo. OMG i need to attach a faucet to me or at least have some form of liquid drip that is permanently attached!

My brain hurts... it is nearly impossible for me to carry out a task that involves concentration... which is like about EVERYTHING! My thoughts keep jumping from one place to another... it's difficult to even type this out.

I feel dumb. I stare at everything with a blank expression. My pupils are dilated... and i'm feeling slightly scattered. I need to focus! But i don't know what i have to focus on... i can't remember. That and my jaw is like forever clenched... i swear, it's like i'm off my tits. I'm scared to get up from my seat cause then i'll start walking around like a homeless person talking jibberish to myself and giggling at random thoughts.

I wish i knew someone who was going through the same thing, taking the same meds as me... so at least we could share a brain and possibly figure out a way to stay on task. That doesn't really make sense but then again what does? I'm sure there's lots of things in this world that makes sense... disect it and learn the inner workings and concepts behind an idea. OH what crap am i on about? Where is my brain when i need it?

I realised how much i love music... listening to hard beats, feeling the adrenalin build up and then... waiting for the bass to drop... it's like a minature orgasm each time! I fuckin' LOVE IT! My heart races and the beats surround me like invisible dots that bounce off my skin... my body temperature rises. My muscles in my body relax and move slowly in tune. I breathe the music... and for a moment, i am One with the music. I can be alone in a room or surrounded by thousands of people... the rush of excitement races through my blood as it runs its course throughout my body.

It's an addiction... it's pure... it belongs to me.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Trigger
EMAIL: belinda@el8ed.net
IP: 84.175.36.189
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=11397900
DATE: 06/18/2005 01:31:22 AM
omg like BLOG so now I can look into your Breeeeeeennnnnnnsssss(brains lol)



you know what you really need which is what i forgot to mention to you. seriously, sign up for a yoga class or something. it'll help you relax PLUS meet people other than the TINY dancers :oP



:oD yay
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Where is the Love?
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/19/2005 11:54:28 PM
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So the weekend has come and gone... and what a weekend it has been. Slightly off putting and very strange indeed.

Friday's shinnanigans were not as chaotic as the previous ones... although of course my interest in adult beverages were indeed met! Met up with the Bass Agents and the crew at Zouk and a meeting was set forth to discuss the launch of BAXX. SO here goes my HARD NRG, HARD HOUSE, HARDSTYLE pimpin'... if you want to be on CHRISTINA'S presale list... RM25 i will NEED you to PM/SMS me your full name, contact number and email address... purely for database purposes!!! Scheduled to be on the 9th of July (Saturday) @ FORUM (Beside Hartamas Square). Presale list ends at 2am... so try and get there before then otherwise you'll have to pay the door price of RM30.

OK enough pimpin'... Then went to Atmosphere and not much dancing was involved but it was still heaps of fun... had my daily 3 hours sleep and spent all of Saturday lying on my couch waiting for darktime to approach so i could start getting ready for Barcode... My back was drillin' me and i swear my spine was in need of replacement. But despite feelin' like crap, i was lookin' forward to hearing Xile, William and Bass Agents spin.

And of course, i was not disappointed... the boys played an awesome set and once Xt-Acid and Didjital started playin... a crowd was forming and most people got into it... the beats were hard... oooOOooo just how i like it! I danced... i floated... i spun around and around.

THEN around 6am suddenly there was heaps of commotion... a massive fight broke out basically some asses decided that they didn't want to pay cover charge and wanted to cause trouble.... punches were thrown, glasses were broken, chairs were broken and blood was shed. Eventually it broke up... and we rushed over to see how everyone was...

As a result Firaz got slashes on his face and back, Boon got cuts and bruises and apparently stitches in his chest, William got chased by a bunch of guys and punches were exchanged, Kelvin got hit in the face and required 5 stitches. There other mate got hospitalised but is not that bad.

NOW seriously... WHAT THA FUCK?! To see your mates being attacked and seeing such violence... really puts you in a somber mood. Makes me worry to think what they intend to do as revenge... although i'm hoping they're not that stupid. It's strange cause it's one of those things that you see... fights break out all the time but often it's none of your friends... and then to witness complete asses cause trouble and all you can do is watch, really makes you think... What is this world coming to? Was it a racial issue? Was it just people being really stupid and wanted to cause trouble? Or was it something else...?

Then my dreams last night were effected... it involved a murder, numerous stabbings, tennis, jogging, trams and freshly cut grass... I HAVE NO IDEA what that means and how that all relates to one another... LOL.

To my boys Firaz, Boon, Kelvin and William... Please take care of yourselves! Lots of hugs!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Is it Friday yet?
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/21/2005 09:04:47 AM
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So it's 11.44pm on a Tuesday evening... soon to be Wednesday. I'm still in the office... been trying to finish off a Corporate Identity... which has taken me what seems like ages to complete... I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH.

So my day has been quite productive. Managed to wake up late... again and actually got 5 hours sleep as opposed to my usual 3 hours... hmmm perhaps the side effects are wearing off... dunno. But still my pupils are dilated for a good 12 hours after but... finally i've managed to get a bit of my concentration back... so that's good. My meds don't make me ill and i don't get a splitting headache in the middle of the day.

What else have i done... i've done my dose of HARDSTYLE pimpin' for BAXX and GLOW for the day... which has been pretty good. And have even been given the opportunity to Mod their new forum... YAY and was given the title Goddess... muahahaha... LOL. But it's all good... it's heaps of fun... and i love running amuck on forums... it's my little escape from reality... where words can flow from my finger tips and emotions can be shown by a random smiley face.

So now... i'm warm... the air-con in the office was switched off 6 hours ago and i'm really, fuckin' warm... i swear... my heat intolerance is still present and it's soooOOOoo annoying... but oh well... soon i will be home and once i am, i'm sure i'll suddenly wake up and have issues entering la la land.

So til next time... farewell.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: In OVADRiVE!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/21/2005 10:11:37 PM
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It's 12.52pm and apparently it's lunch time. I'm not feeling hungry... i ate 2 slices of pizza when i got home last night and actually didn't feel like eating them but figured that it's in the fridge, i might as well. Interesting... i'm sure you wanted to know my eating habits... hehe.

Last night i had strange dreams... well let's just say, i woke up VERY happy. By the time i managed to get to bed it was about 3am or so and the last that i remember i switched off my bedside light and my subconsious went into overdrive. I entered la la land as quick as i had switched my light off... it was strange... i was truly exhausted from being in the office for 14 hours. Not like it was any different from a usual night at LB but... i guess it's been a while BUT i'm hoping i'm not falling back into my routine of stress and bullshit.

Tomorrow i've gotta go for a check up for my thyroid and i gotta see my shrink... yes, i'm killing 2 birds with 1 stone... both doctors are on the same floor so i figured i'd see them one right after the other... and get my supply of meds. I'm interested to find out how much weight i've lost in the past month. Although eating pizza for lunch and dinner for the past 2 days will help me put on a little bit of fat... i hope.

I'm not sure why but my eyes hurt... i think they're just tired. I just changed my contact lenses yet for some reason i feel like they're slightly blurry... maybe it's just my imagination. I dunno... it's all too weird for me. Today i was thinking when i swallowed my meds, i wonder what it does... i mean at what point does this capsule break down and gets absorbed? What happens to it and what is it actually doing to my brain... what does it do to my insides... oooOOoooo fascinating!

I'm not sure whether i'm just being silly... but for some reason paranoia has slowly set back in... i'm like concerned what people think of me! DAMN it! I think that people are mad at me or have some weird conspiracy against me. Like there's a plot and i haven't been included. Why is it that everyone is suddenly nice to me and wants to be my friend... what do they want from me? Have i done anything... what's going to happen to me? What's going to happen when Mer Mer leaves for Melbourne and i'm stuck in KL. What's going on with my work... what's going to happen with my career. People are starting to know who i am... my name is starting to be known. Strange...

I AM SO starting to do my OWN head in... SHUT UP!
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AUTHOR: Farrah
EMAIL: dayangkufarrah@mac.com
IP: 218.208.234.168
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=2525920
DATE: 06/22/2005 03:39:18 AM
Hey chicky,



i've been readnig your blogs. I hope you're doing ok. If you ever need to talk,bitch, moan anything pls pls call ok. I loev you heaps honey.



F
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: 'Lipgloss
EMAIL: eennuii@hotmail.com
IP: 220.255.82.49
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=2365549
DATE: 06/22/2005 07:30:48 AM
Dearie, the contact lens thingy is weird. I get that too. Only 5 days before it's time to change to a new pair, that it settles it.



Anyway, please take care. *hugs*
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Christina
EMAIL: winkris@yahoo.com
IP: 202.75.182.124
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=8024463
DATE: 06/22/2005 08:13:45 PM
Heya Farrah & Alisha!!!



Hehe... didn't think people even bothered to read blogs... but yeah... i'm a lil better, better this week then i was the week before and so on and so forth.



Will update my blog once i get back from the doctors.



Peace ya'll!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: It's just DUMB!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
CONVERT BREAKS: __default__
ALLOW PINGS: 0
CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 06/22/2005 08:07:41 PM
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So now it's 10.59am and already my day is fucked up.

I woke up in the middle of the night crying cause i had a dream that one of my close mates Xile was in a car accident and died... (Xile or Tracy if you're reading this... i'm sorry my subconsious is messed up!!! NOTHING is going to happen to ya babe).

I clearly remember it... he was driving towards an intersection... traffic light and suddenly it went from green to amber to red in just a few seconds... there was no time for him to stop... then a jeep came swarming past from the right and slammed right into him! IT WAS CHAOS! It was so real... it freaked me out!!!

Eventually i went back to sleep but then overslept... and was late for work... the air is hazy and the day looks sad already. I had promised myself i'd get into work before 9am. THEN realised when i was approaching the office... i forgot my meds... FUCK!

In an hour i have to leave to see my shrink and update him on the usual... get more meds and take my dosage. Then an hour later i gotta see my Thyroid specialist so she can check all the necessary things and what not.

THEN i have to rush back to the office... which i'm assuming will only be by 2.30pm... finish off some work cause i have a deadline tomorrow.

OH my head hurts... Today is just stuuuuuupid.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: And then...
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/22/2005 11:58:13 PM
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It's 2.44pm and i've just got back from Gleneagles Hospital.

Alls well... i think. My doc still hasn't written my report that HR has requested for. I need to pick it up after Monday. But he says that i was diagnosed with Major depression and that i will make a full recovery. He also mentions that i will need to be put on light duties for the next 3 months (whether that's possible in this company... i doubt) and that i should leave by 6.30pm each day. I get to see him in 2 weeks as opposed to a weekly consultation... he says that the meds are working.

I also asked him whether the meds affect my eyes cause i was telling him that my eye sight seems to be slightly off skew and that they kinda feel uncomfortable. I wasn't sure whether it was contacts. He confirmed that the meds do in fact make some patients have difficulty focusing. PHEW... i'm not going crazy.

Next... so went to go see my thyroid specialist and i've lost 3kg!!! I now weigh 46.2kg! A month ago i weighed 49.3kg. I remember i was 46kg when i was 16... damn. My heart rate has gone up slightly and rests at 90, so she's kinda wondering why. But good thing is she's reduced my thyroid medication - Carbimazole 20mg > 15mg. Excellent. She took my blood and will find out what my results are in a couple of days... to see how my thyroid is holding up.

So i've taken my AD and now i'm slightly sleepy. I still have a headache. But i have a dinner to go to tonight... i'm not hungry... i dunno, it's just dumb.
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AUTHOR: Julian
EMAIL: neuro_d@yahoo.com
IP: 219.95.211.253
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=585420
DATE: 06/23/2005 01:18:51 AM
Hang in there girl... there is still alot things in the world to see and experience...
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Boo
EMAIL: belinda@el8ed.net
IP: 84.175.48.107
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=11397900
DATE: 06/23/2005 01:29:23 AM
Hey woman was just thinking of you so I'm glad everything seems to be going in the right direction and that you're not all baked out by the meds that much anymore.



just talked to mum! they're going to see the new apartment they're buying. Did you hear about that?



anyway, we all seem to be doing better. I'm so glad.



write to me soon you poophead LOL
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Christina
EMAIL: winkris@yahoo.com
IP: 202.75.182.124
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=8024463
DATE: 06/24/2005 02:10:18 AM
Thanks julian :) *hugs*



Boobers... yeah i've heard the news of the new pad but i haven't seen it yet. Everything IS falling into place... soon soon we shall all hold hands and be merry... weeeeee...
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Cross roads.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 06/24/2005 02:06:08 AM
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So now it's 4.45pm and the weekend is nearly here... if only i can just get one more thing finished... DAMN it... concentrate woman! I'm starting to get a bit sleeeeeepy now. I think it's the sun.

OH and i got my claims today... YAY fuckin' yeah! I love claims, for a moment i feel rich again... but then realise that i have to pay off my credit card bills.

So i had a chat with one of the bosses today and just chatted about whether we're getting anymore designers in since there will be one less designer in our department as of 6.30pm today. I mentioned that how our department is kinda messed up... in fact the whole agency is and that i feel we don't have that close knit family that once was there some time ago.

Then she asked how i was feeling. I realised i had not told her about my depression and figured that now if any time, would be the best time. So i told her and she was very supportive. She even offered me the choice of working 3 times a week as opposed to 5 days. Seeing that this environment is not the best of places to be in when one is trying to recover. I told her what meds i'm on and with it comes numerous side effects... but they're slowly easing. Her response was "Health comes first... no job is worth it". Which of course i've been told by numerous people... YES mom and dad. She'd rather me take time off and get better sooner than to work full time and be on the meds longer.

I dunno... maybe i could do a Monday through Wednesday. And then have a 4 day weekend... sweeeet. The sooner i'm off these meds the sooner i'll get better. I feel sorry for my liver. Oh my eyes are tired.

Tonight i have to do some serious pimpin' for GLOW and a bit of celebration that the week is over... OH i am so ready for this weekend. It's goin to be insane! I'm so excited. It's the only thing that keeps me sane... my only escape from my sadness.

Fuck relationships... they're depressing. Too much effort is needed and paranoia sets in when attention is not given. Now if any time is not the best of times to start anything. Why can't i be better already???

Oh i dunno what i wanna do with myself... hmmm.

I will float away like a speck of dust, landing on random objects until the next breeze rolls in... and i'll float ever so elegantly to my next destination. Leaving a touch of Chrissiness wherever i land... Let me be happy... let me find true happiness.
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AUTHOR: Snowdon
EMAIL: snowdon78@hotmail.com
IP: 203.79.117.121
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=508553
DATE: 06/24/2005 02:42:12 AM
I love your 'speck of dust' metaphor, even though it did imply a lack of direction in your life.



Try Jesus. That breeze will roll in and float you ever so elegantly to your next(and definately happy) destination. Leaving a touch of 'Christ-iness' whereever you land. You will be truly happy.



Just a thought



:)




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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: My meds - Part 1
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/24/2005 03:28:44 AM
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So here it is... my final post just before my weekend is here. I've been doing a bit of research on the interaction of alcohol with my meds cause the last thing i need is to have some serious drama happen... not like whatever i have is not dramatic already... ya know what i mean.

But here's some info that i found on some random site that i thought i might share with you all... Let me just add that NOT ALL these side effects are relevant to me... out of the ones listed, i'd say 17/32.


-----------------------------
What is Effexor used for?
Effexor is in a class of drugs called serotonin norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRI). Effexor is an antidepressant medication used to relieve symptoms of depression, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder.

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What should I avoid while taking Effexor?
Use alcohol cautiously while taking Effexor. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness.

-----------------------------
Effexor Side Effects:
_ Agitation.
_ Irritability.
_ Deepened depression.
_ Increased risk of suicide.
_ Anxiety.
_ Insomnia or sleeplessness.
_ Nightmares.
_ Anorexia.
_ Difficulty urinating or frequent urination.
_ Ejaculation problems.
_ Impotence.
_ Changes in sex drive or ability.
_ Difficulty reaching orgasm.
_ Decreased libido.
_ Upset stomach.
_ Drowsiness.
_ Weakness.
_ Dry mouth.
_ Sensitivity to sunlight.
_ Changes in appetite or weight.
_ Headache.
_ Constipation.
_ Blurred vision.
_ Excessive sweating.
_ Fever.
_ Severe skin rash.
_ Irregular heartbeat.
_ Increase in blood cholesterol levels.
_ Jaw, neck, and back muscle spasms.
_ Slow or difficult speech.
_ Shuffling walk.
_ Tremors.

But all in all... this week feels better than the week before... and the week before was heaps better than 2 weeks ago. OH WELL... Happy Friday people! Will write more on Monday. Peace.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: I don't want...
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/26/2005 08:12:05 PM
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The time is 10.44am and i'm sitting at my desk trying so desperately to get back into the swing of things. The weekend came and went. I feel like shit today and i felt like crap yesterday too. I spent the day rolling in and out of sleep and catching snippets of Discovery Channel and random programs. I felt very weak yesterday and for a moment i felt like my body was going to shut down. Then out of no where a wave of loneliness came in and invaded my comfort zone. Thinking of my friends and people i wish i to see but couldn't be bothered to tell them, invaded my thoughts for most of my waking moments. What has happened to me?

Its strange. For years i've lived on my own and managed to do so many things... independant may be the right word. I was proud of myself... i still am but then suddenly it dawned on me. I am alone. I stared at Spudnik (my sucker fish - the only fish left in my aquarium) as he went on doing his own thing and minding his own business whilst hiding under a log. And i realised... how depressing it must be for him to do the same thing day in and day out. The only stimulation is the increase of algae that forms in the tank. During which time, i looked at the mess that surrounded me and realised that this definitely is effecting the flow of good energy in my place... the lack of it. Just as the thought entered my mind, it soon disappeared and i continued lying there staring at all the crap that had accumalated in the past few weeks... months.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to feel a dose of happiness and have it ripped away from me. I don't want to find happiness in someone else when i know i can't have it. I don't want to rely on anyone else for getting me through it all. I don't want to be me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I can't be bothered anymore and yes it's sad. It's so much easier to say that everything is fine... no need to explain and there's no need for me to get emotional. I don't know what's wrong, i don't even think there is anything wrong... i'll shut my thoughts out. I don't know what to think anymore. I just need to shut out everything for a lil while... shhhhhh. I'm resting! I just don't want to...
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Switch off the light pls.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 06/27/2005 10:30:38 PM
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So now it's 1.17pm... spent the whole morning at my clients place going through some of the work and making comments and so on and so forth. Will be getting their feedback by tomorrow and then i'll start working on the islamic motif... GAWD it's painful.

Been occupying myself with Clept and BAXX forums and talking nonsense as always... keeps me entertained. OH i can't wait to see my mates from Melbourne... 2 more days!!! It's going to be sic! Can't believe the last time i saw most of them was in February... time is flying by. It's soon going to be July soon... which reminds me, i have to do my claims... oOOOoooo claims... money, money, money... AND no i'm not a money face! I just love getting that cheque at the end of the month.

DAMN it... that reminds me, i have to pay my rent today... but it's hot outside!!! It's so warm! Why is it so damn BRIGHT OUTSIDE!!! I'm going to roast in the sun. Oh today is a lazy day. I'm tired. My eyes hurt. Oh so much whinging and bitching... SHUT UP christina! Seriously woman, get your shit together and stop fuckin' around.

So how am i feeling right now... NOW... ummm apart from being slightly dopey and somewhat in a hazy mood. I'm feeling better today than i was yesterday. I was in a seriously fucked up mood yesterday for some odd reason. STUPID thoughts that circulated in my brain which made me more depressed. Can't be bothered to share since honestly, i don't think you would want to know. Suicidal... not really... but the thought did race past me. It's just DUMB... Impatient is probably the one thing that is quite obvious nowadays. But then again i have my moments.

One day i'm all cool in the gang and other times i'm like a fuckin' bitch on heat! THEN a moment later, i'm chucking a mental at some random issue. OH these damn hormones... i blame them for my STUPIDITY at times... it's stupid... they're stupid.

But yeah... it's all good... for NOW. Hmmm... now what?
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Piss off June!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 06/29/2005 02:17:10 AM
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It's 5.00pm and i've gone through the day without updating my blog.

Nothing really to report except that last night i had some serious violent dreams... it was really strange. I had someone trying to kill me and anyone who got in his way he would smack them really hard on the top of their head so their brain would start bleeding and be on the brink of exploding... it was really really freaky... by the end of the dream i could only remember that there was blood everywhere and bodies were mutilated. And people whom i trusted and thought were friends ended up being the ones informing this mystery killer my whereabouts.

I woke up quite distressed and almost afraid to go back to sleep just incase i confronted him. I swear my subconsious needs to calm the fuck down. My dreams are getting more and more evil and quite messed up. But i did manage to sleep although i woke up several times during the night.

I have also started to eat regularly. Last night i had a farewell dinner for a colleague and actually managed to get full... Japanese buffet @ I-Chi-Ban... you can't go wrong. Mmmm and ice cream. Then today had some brekky in the office and went to KLCC with some colleagues and had lunch. I'm slowly getting back into the eating habit... since i figured this weekend is going to be insane... must eat more so i don't waste away.

Sunday is going to be rawkin'! 10 hours of Hard dance... SOUL-T (one of my favorite DJs from melbourne) is spinning, my mates Xile, William aka Wllythkd and of course Bass Agents will be playin... OH the madness. Most of my mates from Melbourne will be down tomorrow for holiday and it's going to be excellent! I am so looking forward to the next few weeks...

JULY is going to be the best month in 2005... a pure heaven for ravers that love hard hitting beats... ooooOOooo the excitement. GLOW on the 3rd, BAXX on the 8th, Organ Donors on the 29th... *jumps around*

Sweeeeeeet!

JUNE can kiss my ass cause it's been the most fucked up month i've ever had... in fact 2004-2005 has been pretty fucked up for me full stop.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Let the games begin!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 06/30/2005 03:53:45 AM
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So it's 6.44pm and the day has come to an end. THANK GAWD.

This morning started off fucked up... had to go to the printers in bloody KEPONG which is like in the middle of woop woop... and i had to do a QC (Quality Check) on my Catering Brochures... then noticed that the colours were messed up and there were marks all over some of them.

SO i had to reject 2,000 printed and bound brochures... so now they have to reprint them all... fuckin' wankers... not my fault in this case... so now i'll only get them on Monday... and then i have to make sure they're all perfect otherwise my client is gonna get pissed.

BUT apart from that... i've spent most of the day on Clept and chatting about random stuff. My mate zul has arrived from Melbourne and was so excited... then all my other mates are arriving tonight at 8pm... it's going to be insane... I AM SO EXCITED!!! Seriously, there's like a serious wave of extreme insanity that has hovered around me... I AM SO HAPPY! Why i have no idea.

GAWD i missed my friends... the next few weeks are going to be crazy... i swear, it'll be like non-stop partying and nonsense... OH i'm so happy June is nearly over... Gawd i love every second from now... the time is getting closer and closer... i can taste it... i can feel it.

There's farewell drinks for a colleague tonight... so drinks start early... weeeeeeee...

I feel like it's the beginning of a flirtatious relationship... that unknown territory, that sexual tension between two people that is obvious but not stated. Nothing to tie me down and the seduction begins NOW... for the record there is no other... well not that i know of... ehehe... but maybe... ehehe.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: The weekend already started!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 06/30/2005 09:25:03 PM
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So it's 12.13pm and last night shinnanigans were great! Managed to go for a farewell dinner/drinks for a colleague at Speakeasy and then made my way home and got changed.

Then the waiting impatiently for the arrival of my mates from Melbourne was still buzzing. Then made our way to Groove and ran up the stairs to find them sitting in Manissa's office having a brief meeting... i was so excited to see them i was jumpin all over the shop... hehe. Then a few minutes later Zul, Alex, Katie, Hayden and Xile walked in and i swear it was like receiving never ending Christmas pressies... one right after the other i hugged them and couldn't stop smiling... it was crazy! It was so strange to see them after so long... although it's only been since February... everyone looks slight different but so much better. I'm so happy they're here!

Eventually we made our way to @mosphere to check out Wllythkd's set and of course the place was barely covered with bodies. By 2am, the rest of the crew joined us and the music got really good! At one point everyone was dancing and smiles were exchanged... for that split second you could feel that unity where everyone is just insync and just shuffling to the hard hitting beats. IT WAS SO GOOD! I missed it... that's one thing i miss about Melbourne raves and clubs... that feeling one gets... the person in front, on the left, on the right and behind are just cutting it sic on the dance floor... SWEET!

WELL DONE to DJ Leeroy (Darkraverz), Wllythkd (Tek) & DJ Bone (Darkraverz)... had a great night. Now i must suffer from sleep deprivation... OH WELL well worth it.

So now i have to get through the day and tonight is going to be yet another long night... of promoting for GLOW and then making our way to @mosphere and have a bit of a rawk with everyone... it's going to be crazy. OH SO MUCH FUN... but i need something to seriously wake me up cause i'm starting to feel a cloud of sleepiness sitting ever so comfortably on the top of my skull like a beanie snuggled up on someones' head.

Mmmmm schleepy now...
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AUTHOR: traCyy
EMAIL: tracy_4ever@hotmail.com
IP: 65.11.188.150
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=3645882
DATE: 09/30/2005 04:16:12 PM
*hughug*
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: Wonderland.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
CONVERT BREAKS: __default__
ALLOW PINGS: 0
CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 07/01/2005 03:02:19 AM
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It's 5.49pm and i am really fuckin' knackered as all fuck. It's not like i did any serious dancing last night... it's strange. My eyes really hurt... you know that feeling when you've been up all night and then it's actually painful to keep them open... well that's how it feels. But it's not really a sleepy kinda feel, it's more of a dislike for bright lights... which i might add i'm sitting right next to the departments' cutting mat and there's an annoying fluro light on! DAMN it... it stings my retinas or whatever... when someone switches it on... i don't like it.

Now i'm waiting ever so patiently for the next 42 mins to roll past so i can make my way home and i can pass out for about an hour. Then i get to chill with my mates later before we start pimpin' for GLOW. OH this weekend... i can't believe it's Friday. No expectations just in case something fucks up and i get into a foul mood... THIS IS NO TIME TO BE IN A DEPRESSIVE MOOD CHRISTINA. I've waited so long for this moment to happen... i've waited for kick ass hard dance to be in KL... i've waited for the moment that i could stand in the middle of a club and feel the vibe of hundreds of ravers/clubbers just go mental on the dance floor.

OH it's an amazing feeling... that rush... that out of this world feeling that rarely creeps up. BUT when it does... it's like a rush of adrenaline that races through my blood and settles on the surface of my skin before it's wiped away by the sound of a heavy bass. It's dirty and dark... and that's why I LOVE IT!

It's magical... it's pure... i want to play... it's mine.
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: It's PURE!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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DATE: 07/04/2005 08:52:47 PM
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It's 11.46am on a Tuesday... What can i say about GLOW that hasn't been said or thought about...

GLOW 2 farkin' RAWKED MY WORLD!!! :D

NO... Seriously, i had the most awesome few days... as my weekend kinda started on Thursday night at @mosphere and continued on with a chilled shisha, chit chat and arabic food session with my good mates last night... Eddy, Katie, Hayden, Jon, Azmer, Zul, Alex and Nelson... =) THANK YOU!

OH but back to GLOW... it was amazing... even from the start at the press conference... the buzz of excitement was hovering in the air. Although most of us were out on Friday and Saturday as well helpin to promote GLOW and having a good time... by the time i got to bed it was close to 6am and my alarm went off at 10am... everyone was knackered as all hell but still the day had arrived... GLOW was finally here.

ANYWYA The music just got better and better... the booths that sold phats, t-shirts, khandy, gaitors aka leg warmers, skirts, caps and lanyards were all layed out and people were standing around waiting to hand over their money. I ended getting khandy for my mates, a phd cap, a really short ass skirt, a pair of gaitors (a beautiful torquoise blue with a magenta coloured heart on the front of each side... THANKS KATIE... she hand made all of them! What a champion). YES i actually wore a skirt and shocked many that i even had legs. Not many people have seen me in a skirt above my knee you see. I must say it was heaps comfortable and although i was tugging on it, hoping that it'll miraculously get longer... it didn't... it didn't bother me that people would be staring... i didn't give a shit... SUNDAY was my day! Paranoid self put aside for a few hours.

Anyway, it was good to see everyone smiling and there was such a positive vibe in the air... it was exactly what i hoped for and what i wanted... everyone having such a good time dancing and just doing their thing. I LOVED IT! I danced how i would dance if i were in Melbourne... pretty much all day... so about 9 hours i'd say... OH it was pure... and dancing only on caffeine and adrenalin made it so much better. But now my muscles hurt... and my toes hurt... in fact... my whole body was crippled when i woke up on Monday... it was quite painful.

Monday i took the day off and although i only managed to pass out by 2am... i woke up a few times cause my mobile kept ringing and ringing... and then eventually peeled myself off the bed by about 2pm. Chilled with Hayden and Katie at Coffee Bean... then went shopping... well I WENT shopping and Katie tried on some CUTE clothes... SO MUCH FUN!

OH i had the most amazing time the past few days and seeing all my friends there, even those people i haven't seen for ages... was just FANTABULOUS!!! Like Elise, Gaya, Kheng, Mark, Derik, Johan, Hayden, Katie, Alex, Zul... oh too many people... Even seeing people that i didn't expect to see and they just turned up out of no where... made my night even better like Johan and Firaz. Meeting SO MANY PEOPLE, getting photos taken and shaking heaps of hands and at times exchanging sweaty hugs... Everything went smoothly... everyone was there... together. I LOVED IT and seeing my mates play... xile, wllythkd, bass agents, ian ross and soul-t... just made it all complete. WELL DONE BOYS!!!

I can't stress enough how happy i am and how great it is that hard dance has finally made its way into the hearts of KLites and i'm happy that i'm here to witness it. THANK YOU all that were there and made Sunday 3rd July unforgetable.

I can't wait for this friday 8th July... Afterglow presents BAXX!!! Another night of hard trance... YAY!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: When will it end?
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 07/05/2005 05:25:50 AM
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8.04pm and i'm still in the office. Waiting for my mate to pick me up so we can go to a THANKS-FOR-HELPING OUT-WITH-GLOW bbq schpeal. For some reason i'm in no mood to socialise. I just can't be bothered to do anything right now. I'm warm... i'm tired... and best of all i'm fuckin' cranky as all hell.

The past few hours i've managed to get myself in the most fucked up of all moods. For what reason i have no idea. Boredom has settled itself in my lil brain and no amount of caffeine has managed to pull me out of this dark mood. It's strange... it got to the point where i was SO FUCKIN' BORED it was like borderline of suicidal... been walking up and down to try and occupy myself. Been on various sites and nothing seems to perk me up.

WTF is wrong with me... seriously... it's stupid. It's seriously fuckin' with my head. STOP! I need to snap out of it otherwise i'm going to start doing my own head in. It's dumb... EVERYTHING AROUND ME IS DUMB... my dirty mug and the crap around me is pissing me off. The mess around me that i once thought was creative has turned to an eye sore.

People are annoying me with their stupid questions and pointless conversations... the artificial pretentious bullshit that i see and hear has slowly found its way into my poisoned thoughts. The fake smiles that miraculously appear when one needs something done or demands for attention. That false hope and expectations on things that will never happen. The need to just run away and hide from all of it has suddenly became an option. SERIOUSLY... wtf is going on? TELL ME!

Why can't i fast forward time so i can get past all of this... find my lil patch of happiness and indulge in never ending smiles and to have that inner peace that everyone craves for. To hold the hand of my future and feel the passion that i once knew but have been unable to find. I am seriously starting to depress myself even more... [full stop]
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AUTHOR: GrooveSyndicate
EMAIL: info@rollingeye.com
IP: 219.95.56.135
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=13863077
DATE: 07/05/2005 09:04:52 PM
hey honey,it was GREAT seeing u last night! makes sense now why u were shying away in a corner..... dont trip into this mood k! shake it off and b the sarcky missy again! hehe kidding..... hope u had fun last night, i had an awesome time, more to come at BAXX eh! hehe xooxox
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: I LOVE lime juice...
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
CONVERT BREAKS: __default__
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 07/05/2005 10:39:53 PM
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It's 1.15pm and i'm trying to sort out some images for the KLCC website... why is it so damn difficult to find a suitable replacement shot... My eyeballs hurt. My fucked up mood had slowly disappeared by about an hour into arriving at the BBQ... i went to the playground and just chilled away from everyone and chatted to katie.

I've opted to wear my glasses today mainly because last night's THANK YOU TO GLOW BBQ ended up with quite a few of getting quite hammered... LOL. Well mainly hayden, katie and i. It wasn't my intention but waiting for the garlic bread to be done meant i had to attend to my thirst and the lime juice and vodka was the closest thing to me... ok maybe sitting by the drinks does help. So there we were... Brendan, Jill, PHD crew, GLOW crew and Groove Syndicate by the poolside, Syko-G was busy cookin the sausages and slaughtered meat... hehe... Manissa fiddling with the baked potatoes. Whilst various people hovered around doing bits and bobs. It was a great bonding session.

I took various posed and candid shots of people eating, in the playground, getting together, awkward shots, random situations capturing a bit a male bonding... actually there was quite a lot of male bonding now that i think about it... hmmmm. And of course people being pushed into the pool.

Had a deep and meaningful with katie again whilst i sat on a rocking yellow duck... fag in one hand and drink in the other... it was really good to finally chat to someone about everything... it had seemed like ages. Katie baby is the sweetest girl ever and i'll miss her HEAPS when she leaves =(

Anyway we ended up staying til about 2.30am i think and then the long farewells took place and whilst i was busy talking some crap to Jon... and still nursing my vodka lime... eventually it dawned on me... i am quite pissed... haha. As soon as i got home... probably close to 3am... i remember telling myself i'd only lie down for like a second before i get changed and take my contacts out... that second stretched to an hour. Then i got woken up by an sms and was able to actually make complete sense since when replying... clearly i was in no state to actually have a real conversation.

NOTE TO ONE SELF: DO NOT SMS SOMEONE WHEN YOU'RE HAMMERED... just in case you say something that you might regret or it will end up back firing and ruin what little was there to begin with... GET A HOLD of yourself woman =p

But oh well... i didn't make an ass of myself and only gave out a compliment... nothing too seedy or seductive... LOL... just the truth.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: -Win-
EMAIL: junwin222@hotmail.com
IP: 60.48.254.232
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=5967981
DATE: 07/06/2005 02:05:45 AM
hey baby,



How are you ? seems like you had abit too much to drink ei ? oh well, maybe you need it maybe you dont. Anyway I hope everythin is cool. Take it easy k ? see you this friday at baxx ! its going to be awsome ! hehe see yah soon



-win-
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: FUCK OFF!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 07/07/2005 02:49:08 AM
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5.34pm on a Thursday. Started my day by waking up late, then i couldn't get a stupid ass taxi to Gleneagles and when they confirmed it was coming the stupid wanker didn't turn up... then i had to call again and then they said no cab. SO there i was waiting like a fuckin idiot and calling non-stop for ages for nothing and the cab companies saying that there would try. LIARS! Then a cab pulled up and someone got out... i jumped in and was about 40 mins late for my appointment.

Had my lil schpeal with my doc... and told him of my fucked up moods lately... basically he said that i haven't recovered yet and that it is evident that i'm still depressed. NO SHIT sherlock... he said that i still look sad... REALLY!? BUT seriously, today has been fucked up to the point that i can feel the stress building up and although i'm not yelling... i am feeling like shit. I asked how long i have to be on the meds... and he said AT LEAST 6 months. FUCK. I gave the medical report to HR... can you believe they charged RM150 for an A4 size diagnosis!!!

Another thing that's giving me the shits is that i've been given more work to do! I've got a pitch to work on which involves a roadshow bus and exhibition booth, 2 banners, make changes and finish off the corporate identity, do an islamic motif, change pics on an existing leaflet and make changes to the size of a folder... THAT'S 8 things i have to do... and all in the next few days. Deadlines are on Monday and Tuesday next bloody week. I'm really pissed off... i'm in a serious evil fucked up mood right now and i fuckin' hate it!

I'm going out tonight to release some stress and listen to Firaz spin... hopefully that'll get me out of this STUPID ASS mood. I swear i'm like fuckin evil right now and...
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Faris
EMAIL: farisattva@hotmail.com
IP: 219.95.131.119
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=19915620
DATE: 07/07/2005 09:39:23 AM
Damn, when I'm in an evil mood I hit my punching bag... with a baseball bat. It works!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Woka
EMAIL: grandtrunkroad@yahoo.com
IP: 210.186.131.86
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=15423396
DATE: 12/24/2005 10:36:23 AM
hey christina, just stumbled upon your blog thru friendster. dont ask me how. cool blog is all i can say. keep writing, it's great. :)

raman


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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: B L A N K
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 07/07/2005 10:27:19 PM
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It's 1.10pm and i've managed to complete 95% of ONE out of TEN items that i need to complete by Monday-Wednesday of next week.

I have a bloody meeting with my client at 3pm which means i lose about an hour and a half of my day and i can't get my work done. I have a stupid CRC at 4pm which i won't be able to attend cause i will be at a meeting outside the office. AND on top of that even if i didn't have that meeting... i haven't even started. I've spent most of yesterday trying to read up on Biotechnology... which is what this pitch is about. It's like i'm back in school again... i totally sucked in Science and i'm sure the only reason why i passed is out of pure luck. I HAVE NO IDEA! Then there's an office party to celebrate all the May/June birthdays... so that involves food, wine... more wine... food... cake.

Anyway, last night i went out and although i was still in my darkest mood at the start, i quickly chased it with enough beer to keep me entertained and just the right amount of free coke to keep my sugar levels up. Had numerous conversations about music with Firaz and random comments on tracks that were being played. Had a bit of dance here and there but for some reason i was heaps tired and my muscles wouldn't allow me to dance for longer than a minute. I blame the air quality and smoking for my lack of oxygen!

By the end of it... we all said our farewells and although it was a complete spur of the moment type night and the place was relatively empty. I had a good time... i guess it was nice just to hang out with my mates and for a moment forget about what bullshit is stirring in my head.

Got home and decided to do my laundry at like close to 4am... ehehe. Figured i was still awake and that i desperately needed to wash some Ts so i could wear them tonight. Well i didn't get a huge yelling from my neighbor so it's all good... not like they would. By the time i passed out it would have been close to 6am. THEN i woke up for work around 9am and slowly made my way down to the office. Fascinating isn't it? Surprisingly, i'm not that tired. I feel no emotion now... i'm neither happy nor sad.

Not content just [ H E R E ]... hmmm.

I'm listening to BK and i can taste the weekend... i can feel it tapping into my ear drums! Damn it i have to come into the office on Sunday to finish off some work... stupid ass DEADLINES!!!
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: EVIL has come HOME!
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 07/09/2005 12:04:20 AM
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It's 2.23pm on a bloody Saturday avo and i'm in the office. I'm in the most darkest and most evil moods. I so don't want to be here. I've slept 4 hours... again. Woke up, ate some maggi and had some OJ... then walked slowly towards the office.

Yesterday in general was a pretty fucked up day... yet again and i was heaps tired from being in a really boring ass meeting. Anyway, started the night already in a shitty mood but figured that the night would improve. I was well impressed by DJ Learn... fuckin' HARDSTYLE! It was well wicked. My Bass Agents boys Xt-Acid and Didjital did an awesome job! The beats got better as the night progressed... and so did my mood. I was approaching my happy self again mentally...

Plus alcohol did help solve my issues/problems... so there i was beer after beer hoping to surpress/disguise any bit of fucked upness that i felt. Running around giving hugs to my mates, saying hi back to many people i've never really seen before but they obviously know me. Mingling amongst different groups of friends and talking shit about something and smiling when a sic track came on. Then by 2am DBKL decided to crash the party... everyone started heading towards the door... WHAT A FUCKIN' WAY TO END A GOOD NIGHT!

Went back to Groove Syndicate and everyone looked heaps serious in the office... number crunching was being done. I was hammered and i was so awake.

So we hung out outside and started chatting... Jeff and i got into some serious conversation... something that i haven't been in for quite some time. And it got me thinking about everything in the past 6 months... WHAT IS GOING ON? The clubbing/rave scene, my depression, my meds, hard dance, true friendship, fake friendship, loyality, jealousy towards me, people taking pictures of me and filming me dance, the numerous stares, the competition, along the lines of over night popularity,"shuffling", my honest love and passion towards music and dancing... it's put doubt it my mind. My stubborness, my laziness, my tiredness, my lust towards another, a failed relationship towards something that never really begun. I HATE IT.

The fact that people come up to me after reading my blog and seem to want to know me or for some that have that fake concern... so much shit going through my head i don't even want to bother typing it out for the reason that i might just say something wrong. Almost like i have to censor my own thoughts cause i worry that what i say may be read or heard by the wrong person.

FUCK THIS... and FUCK this dark mood i'm in. Give me some alcohol to drown this evilness that has set its overpowering claws on me...
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AUTHOR: Jeffz
EMAIL: jeffz_y@hotmail.com
IP: 60.48.82.0
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=2307304
DATE: 07/09/2005 07:04:51 PM
oh gosh...sorry no more serious conversations ok...wasn't plannin on doin your head in....honest....*tries clearin chrissies thoughts by smackin her over the head with trusted spastic rubber chicken*......ehehhehehe
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Faris
EMAIL: farisattva@hotmail.com
IP: 219.95.44.90
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=19915620
DATE: 07/09/2005 08:23:53 PM
Sounds like you've been mindfucked. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so good...
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AUTHOR: Christina
TITLE: I've got something to say to you.
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
CONVERT BREAKS: __default__
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CATEGORY: Weblogs

DATE: 07/12/2005 06:29:58 AM
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It's 8.32pm on a Tuesday evening. I've been HEAPS busy with work to the point where i felt my stress levels increasing and my patience wearing thin. Yes even coming in on the weekend was a task and visions of sleepless nights began to invade my thoughts. Evil had made a nest in the back of my brain. I think it was the serious load of work that has been chucked on everyones' plate and the fact that the next few months are goin' to be crazy. I'm so not looking forward to it... and i don't know what to do.

Another reason for not updating my blog was that honestly i didn't feel that my battle through my depression and my issues became such of an interest to so many people; friends and even strangers. I took for granted the fact that my words are the only form of communication to many and their first impression of me is that i am extremely disturbed... perhaps judge me or to make assumptions. I was stupid to think that.

One person in particular is my sis who i love very much and i feel that because she is so far away she can't do anything... her only form of communication and insight into my daily shinanigans is through this blog. Boo, trust me there's nothing you nor anybody can do for me. Like you said, i can only help myself. I know she's reading this cause she wants to check and see how i am coping. AND no i'm not going to die... not yet, not for awhile.

As i tell everyone, each week is different and better than the last. Although i can't assume that tomorrow is going to be better or worse than today... i'm only just trying to get a grasp of what my brain is thinking and going through and hope that i'll wake up in a decent state of mind and mood.

The truth is... i did consider taking this blog down permanently but then i figured, this was my way of telling people what i'm going through... my way of getting through my issues and perhaps someone out there is going through the same thing. If they are, they know exactly how i feel and it's almost impossible to explain what i've gone through with someone who can easily dismiss it by saying "It'll be ok"... it's not as simple as that. I don't need anyones' sympathy and honestly i feel like i'm writing a really long letter to a long lost friend... it's my way of getting through this chapter. Whether you want to read it, it's up to you. Please don't judge me and assume things... just ask me and if i'm in an ok mood, i'll tell you what you want to know.

If something or someone interests me, i'll give it my full attention, smile and will put a lot of effort into making it work out and be a success BUT once i give up... that's it... you'll know when you've lost me.

If you see me out and i'm smiling, i am honestly having a good moment... it comes in waves. One moment you'll see me hiding in the corner and minding my own business (not necessarily depressed, just wanting some time on my own). I am not the kind of person who needs to be centre of attention and neither am i the type of person who is afraid to have a coffee or snack on her own... i'm perfectly comfortable hanging out by myself. SO it's all good.

To make a few things clear to those who don't know me and are quick to judge me by my previous posts... here are a few facts that i would like to make clear:

- I DO NOT take illegal substances... only prescribed medication!

- I AM vegetarian yet i eat seafood since 26 March 2003.

- I AM a graphic designer in an Advertising Agency.

- I AM NO longer taking Xanax.

- I was diagnosed in February 2005 with Hyperthyroidism and have been taking medication to control my T3 and T4 levels. They starting to normalise.

- I used to average about 4 hours sleep, now i'm about 5-6 hours... more if i'm really exhausted.

- YES I still drink alcohol but i limit myself so i don't get completely hammered that i'm blind. I drink enough to make me a happy and i am in full control.

- YES I love to listen and dance to hard dance/ hardstyle/hard house... it is one of my very few escapes from the cruel reality that i face each day. I am at my happiest when i'm dancing and i hear my favorite track.

- I inform my mates of my whereabouts and i've stopped wandering around by myself especially late at night... if i'm going on a walk about around, i'll inform at least one of my mates.

- YES I AM taking Anti-depressants (Effexor XR 150 mg - which is the normal dosage) and although the past few weeks have been extremely rough for me, i can honestly say that majority of the side effects have worn off... i was diagnosed with a major depressive illness in May 2005 and the doc assures me that i will make a full recovery in due time.

- YES I HAVE started eating... slowly i am packing on the weight.

- YES i smoke. When i refer to "smokes" i'm referring to cigarettes (nicotine).

- I don't smoke "Shisha" mainly cause i prefer real tabacco.

For those of you who don't know what Shisha is, it's a tobacco mixed with molasses and fruit flavors and is smoked in a hookah (looks like a massive bong). It is very light and flavorful with a wonderful fruity aroma. It is smoked for the flavor and not for any kind of effect. In the Middle East, from Turkey to India, there are shisha cafes where people gather to smoke and drink coffee or tea. Smoking shisha can last two hours or more and is a very peaceful, social occassion generally filled with good conversation with friends.

Aiite... i think that's enough information about me. So yeah... don't be too quick to judge cause you don't know shit about me.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: 'Wanderlust
EMAIL: eennuii@hotmail.com
IP: 220.255.65.119
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=2365549
DATE: 08/30/2005 06:37:14 AM
Sweetie, stay strong. Enjoy your holiday :)



Hope we can catch up soon!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mak
EMAIL: makram_mahmud1@hotmail.com
IP: 220.238.26.161
URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=6576012
DATE: 03/26/2006 03:43:41 AM
hey. thanks for your comment. YOU ARE A ONE HELL STRONG GIRL so please take it easy yeah?. take it easy..life isnt beautifull if it is that simple. take care :)
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posted by winkris at 13.7.06 0 comments